Several months ago I had a post about a series of freebies that I was aware of. One of them was the above Fiber One cereal and chewy bars. I had my sample bar and was suitably impressed that it was quite tasty but hadn’t gone out and bought any right away. Well a few weeks ago I did start buying them and had about 1 a day and noticed right away that it really helped with my long suffering constipation. After all it does have quite a bit of fiber. However there is one side effect that I had not been prepared for — Gas. And a lot of it.
At first I didn’t make a connection between the bars and my sudden increase of gas. However, after I had 2 bars on an empty stomach for lunch one day I suddenly made the connection after my intestines tried to blow themselves out through my sphincter. Seriously, the human body was not designed to fart like it does after eating just one or two of these bars. And it’s not just normal gas. This gas is lethal. Like the kind that can kill small children and the elderly. And once released, it lingers in the area for awhile like a stink bomb.
And the cats…the poor, poor, cats with their heightened sense of smell. If I have one after dinner by the time I go upstairs to lay down to read or watch TV they are in full force. I’ve actually had the cats leave the bedroom and just hang out in the hallway until it’s finally over. They’ve even tried to come back into the bedroom midway through, only to quickly backpeddle out. Last night I had one before I went to sleep as my night time snack at actually woke myself up continuously farting throughout the night, much to George’s disgust.
I’ve been lucky so far that I haven’t been found out at work. There are actually walls between me and others which helps prevent my fellow coworkers from being gassed out. However, I have had to learn the art of the quiet fart and I can honestly say I’m a master of the “Silent but Deadly” fart now. This of course opens itself up to loads of entertainment when out in public. There is nothing quiet like the humor of releasing a quiet but deadly fart and then standing off in the distance and watch someone walk into the toxic gas. People look like they just hit a wall. Or they’ll suddenly whip around to look at their companion and wonder if it could have been them.
However, nothing tops the entertainment that I had just the other day at Walmart while doing some grocery shopping. I had eaten one of the bars on an empty stomach a couple of hours before going out shopping. While slowly going up and down the aisles I felt a very large fart coming on. So I looked around and there was no one in the aisle so I let out a somewhat silent one and then quickly vacated the aisle. A minute or so later, as I was shopping in the aisle next to it, I suddenly heard, “OH MY GOD!! WHAT’S THAT SMELL?!?” I immediately tried to stifle my laughter and it took 3 more aisles before I finally had myself under control.
Well these farts come almost on a schedule of one every 5 min or so and as I was shopping down another aisle I had to let another one go. Once again I quickly left the aisle but apparently the same people I gassed the first time had the misfortune of walking into this one as well. As I was getting ready to leave the aisle next to it I heard, “OH GOD FRANK! THERE’S THAT SMELL AGAIN! I THINK SOMETHING DIED IN THIS STORE.” I busted out laughing and then had to skip an aisle so that I wouldn’t be found out. I was still smiling like an idiot as I checked out.
So here’s to you General Mills — For helping us contribute to Global Warming in our own special and unique way. And just think, I’ve only had the Oats & Chocolate. I’ve hear the Oats & Peanut butter are even worse!
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