Un-Anniversary

Happy 12 years UN-anniversary to ‘S’ and I.  It’s been 2 years now but for some reason I can’t stop counting the years — Some morbid side of me I guess.  I don’t really dread this day like some divorcees rather I’m just not thrilled it’s here.  I made the mistake of getting married on the same day my parents did, just 10 years apart.  So as they’re wishing each other anniversary I’m like — Oh goody.  It’s that day…. 

Clean & Cancer Free!

Well it only took 3x longer than I’d planned but I’m finally off the Vicodin.  The mood swings have been…. a bit unpleasant shall we say, but I think we’ve rolled with them okay.  Been clean now for about 8 weeks and feel so much better.  I switched to a RA anti-inflammatory called Meloxicam which mostly does the job.  I wish it was a bit stronger but no dice.  I’ve tried a few other things since then but I don’t like the side effects. Either makes me feel numb or exhausted all the time.  So for now we’re sticking with this.

I had a couple biopsies done earlier this week.  I had a mole on my right back shoulder that lost all pigmentation and became red and swollen.  So off to the dr’s I went and they actually weren’t concerned about that mole, ironically.  But they didn’t like what I saw as a funny mole that I’ve had on my arm for about 10 years.  It always looked a lot different than the rest of my spots but I never thought anything of it.  Well they asked if they could biopsy that one and since they were doing it, the one on my back as well.  So I got the results earlier this week.  One on my back was fine, but the one on my arm that I’ve had for a decade had cancer cells.  Go figure. So they feel confident they got it all and they are going to wait for me to heal nicely and see if I “re-spot”.  Otherwise I’m all good except for a fair amount of pain as I heal.  This is why half albinos like me should ALWAYS be wearing sunscreen!

Leaps of Faith

I was out to dinner this evening with My Squishy and we stumbled onto an interesting conversation about transparency in relationships.  My experience and even belief is that there should be 100% transparency in a relationship. That there should be nothing about him and what goes on in his life that I’m not aware and vice versa.  That way in all things we’re always on the same page, united against the world as it were.

I was surprised to discover that he feels and acts differently.  He has 2 areas where he believes this is unnecessary. One, is that if he is aware of something that brings no good into the relationship and would affect it negatively but doesn’t actually impact me then he would not share it to avoid burdening me with something that could only affect me or us negatively.  Second, if he feels that something is trivial then he doesn’t think it important enough to share.

I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand he is a wonderful and supportive BF and him trying to protect me from negative things is very much in line with how he operates. But do I want to be kept in the dark for my own protection or would I rather know all things even if it would weigh heavily on me at times?  I don’t know yet honestly. It’s so different than my marriage that I find myself uncomfortable with the change in expectations.

The second one I find concerning in that we have different opinions on what is trivial or not.  Case in point – he has an ongoing friendship with one of his ex GF’s that while I understand it I’m not exactly thrilled with. I no longer have the fresh dew of blind trust & faith in relationships I once had.  So I would prefer to have pretty good idea of when & what they talk about. And for him to not bring it up raises flags vs. some level of awareness of their level of contact.  Should there be this level of trust?  Is it considered intrusive to have an expectation of him to let me know who he’s talking to?

I know one shouldn’t compair one relationship against another but I can’t help to at times. A couple years ago I started forming a friendship with a woman who was a widow who had remarried and I asked her one day if it was hard to love again after having lost her spouse of 12 years. I still recall what she told me – every serious relationship you have will be different. It will operate differently, have different rules, expectations, and the love will even feel different.  It’s your willingness to be both flexible and accepting of those differences that will allow you to move on or be trapped in the past.

This has been so true for me. Both in the discovery in flexibility but also in accepting the feel of this different relationship.  ‘S’ and I’s relationship was forged in the struggles of youth & based on lies, although I was unaware at the time. He was in my blood like no one else before. I loved him unconditionally, blindly, foolishly and what he would say to me was unquestioned.  I offered all that I was up in that relationship and in some ways it lead to my early salvation and later ruin.

With My Squishy I have tip toed into our relationship with the greatest of trepidation & caution after being so badly burned.  I’ve analyzed most things that have been said and left unsaid. As well as 1000 other small things. I’ve tried to discover my own feelings and reflect on them objectively.  Perhaps too much at times for all of this. I wish I could just ‘let go’ and make this up as we go with nothing from past experiences to color my views. But I think perhaps I’m a bit too jaded and cynical to take such leaps of faith.

Hard Truths

I’m an addict.

That’s actually a very sad thing for me to say in all seriousness, and really, truly accepting that this has become a big thing in my life.  Webster defines addiction as a “compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal.”

I am considered a high functioning addict.  I get up and go to work and put in my hours as a team leader of 5 individuals on top of running one of the larger sales territories.  I leave work and either hit the gym or head home to take care of chores and needs for the week.  I live well and have friends, boyfriend, nice car and home.  But late at night about 10-10:30 I start getting a little antsy.  By 11-11:30 if I haven’t fed my addiction then I can’t sit still.  And by 12-1am I get sweats and feel like I wanna crawl outta my skin if I don’t get something soon.  Yes, I’m an addict and my addiction is to Vicodine.

It all started innocently enough which is where I think it always does.  4 years ago I broke my leg (see previous posts) and after the surgery they didn’t give me enough pain medication.  In fact they were so neglectful in giving me medication that they really didn’t start paying attention to how much pain I was in until I asked a nurse to get the doctor to amputate my leg because I couldn’t handle it anymore.  After that I was supplied with lots and lots of little pills.  A year later after having walked with a cane for many months and still being on lots of narcotics I had another surgery to remove some of the hardware from the first surgery.

Pain got much better but still was taking Vicodin 2-3 times a week.  Lots of BS happened in life between miscarriages, divorce, moving, etc. etc.  During this time I started working out heavily.  One of the side effects was more pain which equaled more pills.  Now we’re up to 1 – 1.5 pills 7 days a week.  Fast forward another year and my tolerance, not to the pain, but rather the narcotics is much higher.  In other words now I need 2 pills at night to get the same effect that 1 used to give me even a year ago.  And that’s where I sit today.  Now lets talk side effects…

Narcotics are wonderful, yet nasty little pills.  There are all sorts of side effects but I’m going to talk about my personal experience.  The nice side effects… They take away pain.  Now there is a difference between Marijuana, which some people call a pain killer, and narcotics.  Pot makes you not care about the pain — but you still have it.  Narcotics actually block the pain, so a very good thing.

Emotionally numbing – This is a double edge sword.  Cause on one hand you shouldn’t want to be emotionally numb.  However, I can say that these little pills made getting through the past 2 years a little more bearable for me.    I’ll admit it — It didn’t happen daily or even weekly.  But there were some days when the pain was just overwhelming.  After I miscarried and when I first moved to MI there were some days I took some pills just to feel nothing for a few blissful hours.

Now the bad…

Vicodin (and all narcotics) can actually cause pain.  Wait but didn’t I just say they stopped pain?  It’s actually called Opioid-induced hyperalgesia – also known as rebound pain.  While it can happen with as little as one dose, mostly it’s caused by people who are on a opioid for long period of time and their body will actually give them pain while the narcotic wears off which gives them of course the desire to take even more pills.  Studies have shown that many people actually have reduced pain after going through complete withdraw than they had while on the pain killers.  Pretty cool eh?  Makes me wonder how much of the pain I have is real and how much is just rebound.

You can’t eat enough fiber.  So Vicodin actually slows down your digestive tract.  Your body moves food through your intestines with involuntary muscle movement called peristalsis.  Vicodin however causes peristalsis to  slow down, which slows down your digestive tract and causes constipation.  Your body never adapts to this and it’s so well known that most doctors actually prescribe stool softeners and/or laxatives with narcotics.

Memory loss….  What did you say again?  This has been one of the most frustrating things for me and now for My Squishy (BF).  I used to have a FANTASTIC memory for conversations, things, places, etc.  Now I can go and see a movie the night before and the next morning I forget how the movie ended and I have to really focus before it will slowly come back.  My short term memory is completely shot to shit.  There have been several times were I’ll turn to My Squishy and start a conversation and he’ll look at me a little sadly and say, “Did you forget we just talked about this last week?”  How annoying for him that he has to deal with the fact that these pills have made me as forgetful as an ol’ blue haired woman.  He’s only ever known me on the pills though.  I’m hoping this might get better over time.

I’m a fucking retard on them.  I no longer get super high from taking Vicodin but my mind does turn to oatmeal for about the first hour and the rest of the day it’s still pretty mushy.  I used to have 1001 thoughts rushing through my head all the time and sometime I wished I could just get them to stop.  Now most days it’s like the picture below.  With an occasional stray thought if I have nothing specific to focus on.  Very sad.

So what am I going to do about this?  Just like weight loss I believe that it’s a mind over matter thing.  Or in this case body.  But I recognize that body is involved here so I can’t cold turkey.  Going cold turkey after 4 years can actually screw up your body.  Plus it would make me just miserable emotionally and physically for about 2 weeks which I can’t do with my job.  So starting tonight here’s what I’ve done – Below is a picture of part of a pill (I have a whole one there for scale) that I’ve broken off.  It’s about 1/4th of a pill.  I’m going to take this amount off my pills for the next week and see how my body adjusts.

”

The plan then being next Sunday that I cut my second pill in half and do that for another week.  At this rate it will take me 2 months to get completely off the pills.  But I think this is the most gentle way to do this.  I might have to accelerate this if it turns out I’m just torturing myself but I’m willing to play it by ear and see how it goes.

Last night I had a conversation that was a wake up call with My Squishy.  It actually wasn’t about me taking Vicodin but rather something else and he said that he has no problem being patient and kind with me normally.  But when I take something that is mind altering and it effects my interactions with him then it actually brings down and ruins the experiences he has with me and he gets very disappointed and frustrated  and therefore has little patience for me.  Since I wasn’t very happy about how he delivered this hard truth I went off and pouted for a few hours and got to thinking  —  This is my life every day!  Each day that I choose to take these pills my experiences and interactions with others are negatively effected since  I’m hampered both mentally and emotionally by these drugs.

So I’m committed – I will be off these pills by my birthday.   One way or the other I am determined to make it happen and regain my life back on my terms and no longer be at the mercy of small white little pills.

“Always bear in mind that your own resolution to success is more important than any other one thing.”

~ Abraham Lincoln

Making a Deal…

I was going to kill myself today.

No, this wasn’t something I just decided off the cuff, I actually decided this a year ago.  When I first moved to Michigan I was hopelessly depressed.  So depressed I was actually numb to all feelings, and purely on auto pilot.  I was engaged at worked…mostly.  But while I could talk to people, laugh, smile, etc. I felt nothing — completely empty.  I felt so lonely and lost I didn’t even know the words to say how hopeless I felt so I’m not sure if any of my friends, co-workers, or family realized how close to the edge I was.

I became obsessed with ending it all.   I just couldn’t see the point of continuing on with life.  I had lost all my hopes and dreams within my marriage.  I had zero interest in dating…. in fact the idea was actually abhorrent to me.  By moving I lost my entire built in friendship network and I honestly couldn’t see who would want to take me on as a new friend considering the amount of unsorted baggage I had trailing behind me.  I had no children so no one was relying on me for anything.  I had nothing to wake up for.  So I would go to work and do my job, come home and eat and then disappear into my room.  Mostly to sleep.  I did a lot of sleeping in the first few months.  After several weeks of this all I could think of was a way out.

Part of me realized this was depression though — I figured that if enough time passed I would hopefully start feeling again.  But I just couldn’t stop thinking about suicide.  It seemed like the easy way out and I was tired of trying.  I had tried so hard in my marriage to be what he needed me to be that I had turned myself inside out and sideways and didn’t even recognize or really even know myself anymore.  To try to figure out what was real and was me trying to be who he wanted me and then to put it all back together again seemed endlessly difficult.  So I thought about how to kill myself instead.  What would be the most painless way, what would make the clean up easiest, who would find me, how could I make things easier on my family….  Have I mentioned I’m a planner?

The same small part of me that recognized that this was depression was also the same part of me that was trying to save myself.  The majority of me had long given up though.  I thought about therapy,  but I didn’t want to talk about it.  I felt like I was holding it together by just sheer effort and if I started probing and trying to talk about the emptiness, and complete hopelessness then everything was going to shatter.  So that was out.  I tried talking with friends a little bit.  But being the only one who had gone through a really long relationship and divorce most were at a complete loss to empathize.  The thoughts increased; everyday I would think more and more about killing myself.

So this same part of me that wanted to save myself made a deal with the rest of me —  I had to give it a year.  A full year in Michigan to start my life over again.  To go through the different stages of grief and anger.  To try to sort through the endless baggage carts of betrayal, broken dreams, lies, and figure out what were the lessons to take moving forward.  To try to make friends and put myself out there to gain and even risk losing friends again.  I had to give myself a whole year to try to find joy and happiness and wake up with purpose again.  And only then, if I had done all of the above, if I had truly tried to live again, to get past all of that pain and emptiness — only then could I kill myself.  That was the deal.

Today, June 5th was my year anniversary.  Today I woke up with purpose.  Today I went to work and did my job, talked with customers, friends, co-workers, and boyfriend and felt things – happiness…joy…even some mild irritation.  But I felt it!  There is no emptiness in my life today.  I see purpose, dreams, desires and hopes.  Everything I felt nothing of just 365 days ago when there was so much darkness I had not even a candle to light my way.  It didn’t happen overnight though, this was a long process of letting myself grieve and even be angry.  I had to give permission for everything to go to shit in my life except for work so that I could get to this place.  I had to make this deal that suicide would be okay at some point but I had to take it off the table and try to live first.  And it completely worked.

I can look back now and realize that I wasn’t happy for a long time in my marriage.  I can look and see all the lies and deceit and just ugliness that he brought into my life, but I see some of the good times too.  The times that we were really happy.  I don’t think I’ll ever know the reasons why ‘S’ felt the need to lie to me like I’ve discovered he did.  Nor do I know why he finally decided to mercifully end what I know I wouldn’t have;  but I’m at peace with it.  Today I like who I am, and for good or bad he had a big part in making me the person I am.  I’m grateful he was in my life for all those years but I’m equally grateful he divorced me as well.

In 5 days it would have been my 11 year anniversary with ‘S’.  And while I’ve given up that anniversary, I’ve got a new one now on June 5th —  The day I decided to embrace life.

Butch vs. Bitch – Which are you?

I had an interesting conversation with some friends this evening and we got on the topic of relationships and one of them mentioned his was struggling due to the classic ‘butch vs. bitch’ power struggle.  I was immediately intrigued.  This is not an official psychological title now folks.  This is something he’s made up to very succinctly describe the natural power roles that take place in every relationship.  The ‘butch’ which can be male or female, is the decision maker in most things.  The natural leader.  ‘The ‘bitch’ once again being male or female, is one who wants and even prefers to have the decisions made by another.  Many people reading this right now are saying, ‘oh my relationship is 50/50…’  Where’s my Bullshit button?  No relationship is 50/50.   This is not a bad thing now — Someone must always be the captain of the ship.

Where you run into problems though is if you have two butches or two bitches in a relationship.  Cause with the first, you’re in a never ending power struggle.  Someone’s going to have to take the passenger seat.  That doesn’t mean they don’t get to help navigate or have input.  It just means they don’t hold the final veto card.  With two bitches well…. this is actually the worst kind of relationship I think.  This is one where you hear, ‘where do you want to go for dinner?  I don’t know, where do you wanna go?’ and on and on and on.  In this type of relationship, with two bitches, someone gets made butch by default – that or the relationship dies cause nothing is happening.

This was my problem.  I think that if I respect someone’s decisions and I believe they have my best interests at heart, I’m naturally bitch.  I think I may have just heard some jaws hit the floor for those who know me well.  But I actually am.  I am pretty content to just follow the lead of another with some input here and there on the things I care about providing my input is heard.  A great leader is someone who listens to their team members and steers the ship for the best interest of all.  What happened in ‘S’ and I’s relationship though is he was bitch as well.  And when I saw things not being done or big decisions being made — I stepped into the butch role so we didn’t flounder needlessly.  Where I think I may have failed, was not getting his input enough, or perhaps making him feel as if he was worthless to the cause as a whole.  I just did…. well everything and I became resentful for it.  Something for me to watch for going forward.

So my dear readers, which are you naturally —  Butch or bitch?

What love is and what it is not….

I had an interesting conversation with my ex-sister-in-law this week — The broad strokes of the call resulted in me realizing that the entire basis of ‘S’ and I’s friendship and later marriage was all stacked on lies.  Everything he had ever told me about his family, growing up, life experiences before me….. all lies.  And then to cover the lies there were even more lies, so that I wouldn’t bring up these subject to friends or family for fear of causing later conflict.  I thought I was going to throw up during the call because I felt like I’d lived 1/3 of my life with a stranger.  In fact even now I’m almost at a loss of words to describe how this betrayal of someone I had loved so deeply cuts me.  And that brings me to tonight’s reflections – What I’ve realized love is and also what it is plainly not.

I think back to the early days of ‘S’ and I’s relationship, back when we would play 101 questions and started to understand the other’s sense of humor and how each of us viewed the world around us.  Those were really fun days.  Being able to share who you are with another person with no fear of reprisal or rejection is what early love is.  Sometimes through that sharing, you realize that perhaps the other person isn’t for you.  It doesn’t make it right or wrong, just part of the whole journey.  What love is not though is to lie about your views on the world or opinions.  It’s about not portraying yourself as someone you are not, no matter how you might wish to be otherwise.

To be able to love another person, you must first love yourself.  You must accept who you are, including all your flaws and  even your baggage.  Then you must be brave.  You must be willing to take this ‘self’ that you love and  accept and be willing to put it out there to the world.  Out there for someone else to see and exam – to know you and  your flaws almost as well as you know them.  To know what makes you laugh so hard you can’t breath or to weep with such sorrow it brings you to your knees.  You must be brave enough to risk it all for the chance to be loved by another.

And as each one of you get to share yourselves another part of love comes into play – acceptance for the other person.  Now all of us have ‘deal breakers’ then there are ‘red flags’ and ‘yellow flags’.  Sometimes you can’t accept the other person, as I said before this isn’t good or bad, just part of the journey.  However, I do believe that if you want good relationship karma — don’t be an ass about rejection.  No one needs to be pushed down if they’ve been brave enough to share who they truly are.  So if you’ve found someone who is brave enough to share their true self  with you and there are aspects of their personality that aren’t deal breakers or flags of any color but maybe just something you wish was different – to truly love another person is to accept them for who they are.  It’s what makes them… well them.  If you go into a relationship trying to change yourself or the other person is a recipe for failure.  Acceptance is the key early on.

After getting to know someone, and acceptance comes love.  The deeper love.  The love where you can glance across the room and know what the other is thinking.  The love where you can read the mood of the other person just based off the energy they project when you’re around them.  The type of love that comes from acceptance, laughter, tears, memories, and experiences.  Then comes the maintenance of this love.  Like a garden, if you leave love neglected then it will surely die just as a plants will if left to be strangled by weeds or die of thirst.  You must continue to shower it with continual acceptance as you both evolve.  You must continue to play 101 questions — just of a different sort.  In order to continue to have interest in the other’s life and you must communicate both about the day-to-day items, the things that make you happy and sad, and the things that frustrate you before they escalate to anger and rejection.

You must also continue to appreciate what the other does for you.  Loving another person means being selfless – doing things that will bring joy to that person’s life and ease their burdens.  But just like Yin and Yang there must be balance or you foster resentment.  One must not take the other person’s selflessness for granted.  She went to the store and picked up his favorite foods?  He took her car and had it washed?  These are the things I’m talking about — Don’t have them fade into the background of your lives as daily chores.  See them as opportunities to lighten your partner’s burdens and show your love.  And be sure to acknowledge the deeds of the other that makes your life better.

Finally there is respect.  Respect is such a big part of love.  It’s about respecting yourself and the choices you make that affect the other person.  Relationships aren’t easy.  Between family, work, bills, sex and a host of other daily bullshit there is a lot to keep a relationship going.  Making sure that you respect each other is another part of karma.  If a relationship breaks down, and love is lost.  Respect your partner and more importantly yourself and end it before betraying the other person.  When you don’t you escalate the betrayal and hurt the other feels.  You loved this person at one time right?  Why would you want to make them feel as though you’ve discarded them in the gutter?  Why would you treat them as your safety net until something better comes along?  Aren’t they worthy of more than that?   If you’re unhappy in a relationship acknowledge it, be brave enough to stand up and end it before disrespecting yourself and everything you once loved.

As I often do, I’ve written this almost into a lecture on how to love directed to you my dear readers, but in fact this is to myself.  As a few of you know I’ve recently started dating again.  It is still the early stages — a bit of 101 questions still as we get to know eachother.  However, I’ve noticed I lack bravery —  I don’t lie or hide who I am, but I am fearful.  The guy I’ve started seeing actually showed me the image below and said he saw moments like this in me.  He wasn’t trying to be insulting, just trying to find the best way to explain it and a picture is worth 1000 words….

I get where it comes from.  As much as it absolutely kills me to say it ‘S’ wasn’t a horrible guy in some ways.  However, he was very prone to defensiveness, frustration, and even anger sometimes and so it’s made me almost ‘eggshellish’ to share different things if I think it might generate the same type of response.  I used to be bold…. audacious and unapologetic of who I was.  I almost don’t recognize myself when I have a fearful moment or when I unconsciously hold my breath after saying something to him.   I wonder, did I start dating too soon?  Or is this part of my baggage that I was never going to be able to work through until I started dating?   He’s never angry or even shown me any form of rejection based off of things I’ve shared so I’m getting less fearful.  But still, it’s frustrating none the less that this was part of the legacy that my marriage left me with.  Maybe though time will help.  That and actually writing it out.  I feel surprisingly better now after writing down what I think love is and also what I know it isn’t.  I know I’m worthy of love, and I will love again.  I just need to start with baby steps and take a deep breath, and every now and then remind myself to be brave….

Starting Over Again…

I’ve reached the point where I won’t apologize for not writing on here frequently or infrequently.  This started out to be a fun little way of sharing with family and friends in a way that the social media sites won’t let me (cause I write too damn much) and kind of has become my own personal public diary.  Some things are just casual amusing things, others more serious, but for the more serious things it’s given me a way to internalize or process them in a fairly healthy manner.  It’s rather ironic that I talk for a living yet often can’t find the words verbally to express my deepest hurts and fears.

So as everyone should know by now I have relocated to the Ann Arbor Mi area.  It’s a fairly nice area.  Reminds me of Pennsylvania in a lot of ways but they get more rain and it’s more humid than PA is.  I really like that the town is a lot more liberal and progressive due to the University of MI being based here.  It’s larger so there are a lot more social activities as well.  Slowly starting to check things out.

Mostly though I’ve been just starting to breath again.  When I first moved here I was in denial about really calling it quits on my marriage.  I didn’t even unpack for over 2 weeks other than what I needed for day to day survival.  Had I not had a roommate Ken, who moved in on the 3rd weekend I’m sure it may have been another 2-4 weeks more before I had started to unpack.  I’m not going to lie – When I first got here I felt very alone, and very afraid.

I feel like everything over the past year and a half has lead up to this.  Like I took baby steps on being on my own.  First in my own house when he moved out, then when I moved out to the next town over, and then finally out of state.  Not sure if that’s what we both needed or it just worked out that way for me.  But I’m realizing that this is my first time standing completely on my own in my adult life.  Too bad it only took till I was 29 to do it.

Just shy of 2 months, today I realized that I’m starting to be okay.  That I WILL be okay.  I can go a whole day and only think of “S” 3-4 times a day instead of 20.  I can make food for myself and not think of feeding 2 people over a few days, I can actually grocery shop for just myself without being unsure of what to buy or what just I like.  I’m sure some of you don’t understand this at all but that’s okay, I don’t really need for someone else to accept why these are my stages, my struggles, they just are.

My big focus right now is weight loss.  I think I became too causal about what I was eating, when I was eating, and why I was eating.  Now I’m relearning how to use food and what are the best choices.  Weight Watchers is helping with that.  Some people just use the points but I see it as a learning tool.  Learning what is a normal portion, relearning how to feel full but not stuffed.

Anyway – I guess I just wanted to get on here and let everyone know I’m doing okay.  And even to remind myself to take it one day at a time, to take a deep breath, and put my big girl panties on cause it’s gonna be a little bit of a rocky road up ahead…

I’m Back!

You thought I’d abandoned this blog didn’t you?  It’s okay, you can admit it.  You won’t hurt my feelings.  Maybe you were hoping that I actually had.  Who knows.  

But alas I am back.  Although I maybe starting up a new blog and abandoning this one.  I’ve actually tried several times to post these past several months but I wanted to post a photo as well.  However this damn website kept crashing the photos.  So I just threw my hands up and waved the white flag.

So let me not beat around the bush, or pull any punches here and bring you up to date rather abruptly.  “S” and I are getting divorced.

If you’re surprised, let me assure you that you weren’t the only one who was a little shocked.  So much for marital therapy, that was several hundred dollars pissed down the drain.  Wait,I take that back – Maybe not a waste for me.  I like knowing that I followed this road as far as it would go.  If you’re looking for all the juicy details you will be disappointed however.  I have no desire to air my shame out to the world or throw him under the bus.  (Although I have moments where I want to be the one who pushes him in front of the bus then gets in the drivers seat and puts it in reverse, then drive, then reverse…) You get the idea.

To sum it up, I don’t know if it was our age when we got married, the divided interests, the different motivation levels, miscarriages, or all of these factors but “S” has had me on a bit of a yo-yo these past few years.  He wants me, he doesn’t want me, he wants someone else, he wants me again.  So after once again “not wanting me” I’ve decided to cut the “string”.  Actually that’s not entirely correct.  He said “I think I want a divorce” and I served him with papers 7 days later.  So he asked for it but I’m the one who’s making it happen.  A common theme the past 10 years.  Do I sound bitter?  I think I am at times right now.

Currently, I’ve just got my head down just trying to push through this.  We still live under the same roof while we wait for him to get a job .  No, I haven’t kicked him out and I would appreciate NOT getting emails telling me I should.  I’m not saying it’s easy for both of us but we are rather friendly about the whole thing and I have no desire to see him with nothing.  We have shared history and we still care about each other but just no longer wish to be married.  So let it be and let me go with what feels “right” and what I can live with.

I have several friends who are eager for me to join some online dating sites already which I find both amusing and horrifying at the same time.  First, the ink is barely dry on the paperwork I filed to even START divorce proceedings.  It won’t be until after the first of the year before I even file the final paperwork for the decree due to tax reasons.  So no.  I’m not ready to date.  In fact, I’ll need to start unloading my baggage train, not cart, but train of issues that I’ve managed to acquire from the past 10 years.

I say give me a good year to get my feet under me again, get my body back in dating shape, and ready to face that world again.  Uggh… Dating.

I Love What Drunk People Do

I saw this on CNN this evening and got a good laugh at it.  Click on the link at the very bottom for the full story.

“CLEAR!  One, two, three.  Don’t go towards the light!”

Police report attempt to revive flattened opossum