The Ultimate Prize

I apologize dear readers for my absence as of late.  I’ve been putting in some long hours at work and been a little tired lately, so sometimes it’s a little hard to find the motivation to write.  However, I just got back from a “girls night out” with 3 of my friends where we went and had dinner and a movie.  And while it’s late and I’m tired, and I have yet another long day at work tomorrow, the movie got me thinking about my own relationships and what I ultimately want.

If you haven’t seen “He’s Just Not That Into You” some of this post may not make a whole lot of sense, but I’ll try to lay out the movie for you (spoiler alert).  At first I was skeptical about going out on a Thursday to a movie that while having an all-star cast, only got so-so reviews.  And while there were moments that were cliché, it had some really good points.  It’s about these men and women, who are in different types of relationships and from a woman’s, and in one case man’s view, of how those relationships are evolving to see if they are going to end up with the ultimate prize, marriage.  It’s mostly based around one single girl looking for Mr. Right and dealing with the many pitfalls of dating.  But the relationship that I followed most intently in the movie was that of the already married couple.

Here you have a seemingly happily married couple, who are successful, are in this large home that they are renovating to meet their every need, and you can just see that they are making plans for the future and even talking about the possibility of children.  Then WHAM!  He’s in the grocery store and sees a beautiful girl in front of him in the check out line and chats her up.  Next thing you know they’re calling each other.  With him reluctant with guilt at first but still going all the way into full adultery with nary a pause.  In the meantime, the wife suspects something.  But she thinks he’s hiding a smoking habit, something she detests since her father died of lung cancer.  She confronts him after finding a pack hidden outside and he blames it on the workers who are renovating their home.  When he finally comes clean about the affair, she asks him about the smoking, which once again he denies.  She calmly accepts the affair and they agree to try to work things out and save their marriage.  But he’s still seeing the slut….err girl, on the side.

The girl eventually dumps him after he shoves her into a closet at his office to hide him from his wife who unexpectedly shows up and once again they agree to work things out.  Later he ignores his wife’s phone call, and she then went to pick up his pants where she finds a carton of cigarettes and completely flips.  She ends up folding all of his clothes neatly on the stairs (after ripping them from the closet) and taped to the carton, is a note telling him to have a ball and she wants a divorce.

The main point of the movie aside from the married couple is that if a guy is “into” you.  He will move heaven and earth to see you, talk to you, and even be near you.  But if he’s not, then he will make vague promises of calling or of when you’ll see him next.  This is so true.  I think back to when I was in high school and there was this guy who liked me.  Everyday between one two classes he would wait for me by this pole.  I have no idea if his class was anywhere near mine but he would be there.   At first, I wasn’t comfortable with him waiting for me and then taking my books and walking me to my class.  But after a couple of days I liked it and was happy to see him.  I enjoyed the feeling of being pursued.  Well apparently I wasn’t giving him enough positive signals because eventually he stopped waiting for me, and I was very disappointed.  To make a long story short, I ended up dating that guy for 2 years and even though it’s been almost 15 years — I still remember those weeks of intense excitement and nervousness over seeing him waiting.

I guess the point that I’m trying to make is that every relationship goes through that intense, exciting period where you are giddy at the thought of seeing the other person.  Where they are always on your mind, and you check your phone 5 thousand times to see if they have called or texted.  At the end of the day though, you want the relationship like Jennifer Annistan and Ben Affleck had in the movie.  They were this couple that had been together for 7 years and were happy.  They weren’t married and it became an issue, but near the end of the movie they got back together because she realizes that marriage is just a piece of paper.  What matters is that you adore the other person.  That you will move heaven and earth just to make them smile and in doing so, you feel ten feet tall.  It’s sending that person a text every morning without fail to tell them “Good morning”.  And being lucky enough to be the recipient of that text, so the first thing you do in the morning is grab your phone to see that greeting.  And it’s the million little things that you can do throughout the day that honors the person and the relationship you share.  Ultimately, its what’s left after the new relationship smell has worn off, and if you truly have something special — it’ll last for a lifetime.

That my friends, is the ultimate prize.  Not just a marriage — But a truly happy, and even comfortable one.

Considering the possibilities

I debated about writing this post.  First because ‘S’ reads this, but also because some of his family does as well.  However, at the start of this blog, I made the decision that it would be about my thoughts and feelings on issues and that I would not always take into consideration the feelings of others.  Some posts in the past have hurt, offended and annoyed people that I care about, however it is never my intent to do so.  Rather this is kind of like a public diary and as any diary, it reflects one’s most intimate thoughts — regardless of the reader.

Last night I was washing a set of Venetian Blinds (that’ll be another post) and as I had them in the bathtub soaking and was slowly scrubbing each individual slat, I had some time on my hands to think.  Now this wasn’t conscious in terms of where my mind wandered.  Rather I was bored an my mind wandered at will.  I started to think about a guy that I’ve known now for a couple of years now and started to consider him and his personality traits and if we would be compatible for dating.    WAIT — if you’re suddenly surprised by this, it’s nothing compared to my own shock.  I have been completely faithful in both body AND mind for 8 years now.  While like any human being, I can appreciate the attractiveness of another person.  It’s always been “eye candy”.  In other words, enjoy the view for the moment and then move on.  I never actually considered anything in terms of dating or long term.  Also, whenever I did have moment of wondering what it was like to not be married, it was never to be with someone else, rather to just consider the possibility of being single.

However, suddenly I was having these thoughts.  Now the guy isn’t as important in this post.  The chances of us ever dating, me ever staying something, or God forbid flirting, (I don’t know if I even remember how to flirt in the “I’m kinda interested in you” way) are slim to none.  No, the importance of this moment is that I HAD the thought where I actually considered someone else as a possible mate.  This is important cause it could mean a couple of different things.

First, ‘S’ and I are in limbo land right now in terms of if we’re staying together or not.  I hate limbo land.  No, I DESPISE limbo land with every fiber of my being.  And not just in relationships.  I would much rather move forward with something even if it’s unpleasant, than just sit and do nothing.  I see it as a waste of time that accomplishes nothing.  However, ‘S’ feels like he’s getting something out of this, so I’ve been trying to be understanding — but I have my moments.  Now I’m a planner.  I like to plan for good things as well as bad.  Part of these thoughts could be me planning in case ‘S’ and I don’t stay together.  Which, in that cause is a good thing cause that means there won’t be as painful of an adjustment to the idea of being single again.  However, since ‘S’ and I are trying to work things out this could be a bad thing as well.

What concerns me the most is the possibility that these thoughts mean something even worse.  As limbo land draws on to yet another month with no clear signs of us staying together, these thoughts could mean that I’m starting to let go.  It’s not that I don’t love him any less, but rather I dislike the insecurity that our relationship has become, and with no clear signs of us remaining together, it has become more of possibility of a divorce in my mind. Also, I’m a people person and I will admit that nights are a little hard and weekends can be extremely lonely for me, especially when I go a whole weekend without talking to anyone.

To be honest, I’m not sure what any of this means.  Only time will tell.  But it’s suddenly interesting to consider the possibilities….

Chain Letter Bread

I’m going to be giving a friend of mine a hard time here, but don’t worry about her, I already told her it was coming and all in good fun.  Now on to the post….

Do you ever get those emails from friends and family that you really wish you didn’t get?  You know the emails where if you don’t forward it on within 5 minutes to 300 hundred of your closest friends then you’ll be hit by a bus while crossing the street next week.  But of course if you DO, you’ll be a millionaire this time tomorrow.  Someone has now re-created this into the realm of baking…

It’s actually called Amish Friendship Bread.  But of course the Amish didn’t create this recipe, they’re not that mean to their friends and family.  Some of you may already have fallen victim….err, I mean…been gifted with this bread.  It’s not like the traditional food gift where you make it at home, wrap it in a bow, and give it to a friend.  Nope — It’s a project for them to do.  In fact it’s a 10 day project.  Here’s how my gift that I just received goes…

Day 1
Do nothing with the starter

Day 2-5 (I’m currently in the mush bag stage)
Mush bag!

Day 6
Add 1 cup flour, 1 cup sugar, 1 cup chocolate milk.  Stir with a wooden spoon.

Day 7-9
Mush Bag!

Day 10
Add  1 cup flour, 1 cup sugar, 1 cup chocolate milk. Stir with a wooden spoon.

Now here’s where they trick ya into sticking more poor saps with this project…

Take out 3 cups and place 1 cup each into three separate plastic containers.  Give one cup and a copy of this recipe to three friends.  (See!  They already got ya and you didn’t know you would be passing this on until the 10th day!)

To the balance (a little over 1 cup) of the batter, add the following ingredients and mix well.  1 cup oil, 1/2 cup chocolate milk, 3 eggs, 1 tsp vanilla.

In a separate bowl combine the following dry ingredients and mix well:
2 cups flour, 1 cup sugar, 1-1/2 tsp baking powder, 2 tsp. cinnamon & cocoa, 1/2 tsp baking soda, 1-(5.1oz) box instant chocolate pudding

Add dry ingredients to wet ingredients and mix well.  Can add chocolate chips here too.    Spray Pam into two bread pans and then coat them with cinnamon, sugar and cocoa.  Pour mix into bread pans.  Bake at 325 degrees for 1 hour or until toothpick comes out clean.  Cool for five minutes then turn them onto a cooling rack.  Enjoy!

So, now that I’ve been given this ummm…..project.  Are there 3 friends who might want to have one of their own?  Come on — ya know you want it.  ( I feel like I’m pushing drugs here)

What’s in a name?

While I was out grabbing some lunch today I drove by the local farm/feed store and saw a sign out that “CHICKS ARE IN”.  No, you city folks — they weren’t talking about girls but rather chickens!  My parents out in AZ actually have a mini version of a farm in their back yard and just recently got some chickens (see above).  I wanted to name at least a couple but it looks like I was a little slow since they’ve already been named.  Maybe if they get some more, they’ll use some of my ideas.

Fingerlickin
Henny Penny
Sunday Roast
Tyson (although this is more of a roosters name)
Caesar
Teriyaki
Nugget

Fingerlickin, Teriyaki, and Nugget were my top 3 favorites.  Ya gotta admit that the Teriyaki and Nugget are just funny.  Can you see it now?  “This is my chicken Teriyaki and my other chicken Nugget.”

Hahahaha — I crack myself up.  

If my parents actually chopped off their heads, I might also suggest Anne Boleyn….

The Sacrificial Slice

 

As I was making myself a sandwich for lunch this morning I suddenly wondered if anyone else had a “system” for eating a loaf of bread.  I eat mine according to what pieces I like best.  It goes something like this:

On a fresh loaf, I will skip the crust or heel of the bread and the first slice, which I’ve dubbed the “Sacrificial Slice”.  Between the heel and this second piece, they are what keep the rest of the loaf the softest & most fresh.

Eventually I will get down to where I have just 4 slices left.  The two heels, the Sacrificial slice and then the last slice of the best bread.  Because I’m so damn cheap and it would drive me nuts to just throw bread away.  I’ll normally use the Sacrificial slice & the last slice of the best bread in a grilled sandwich so I can’t tell that they’re dryer than the rest.  And with the heel I will try to use it for Meatloaf or if I’m completely out like I was today, I’ll use them also for a grilled sandwich.

Now this isn’t saying that I don’t like the heel or crust, but rather they’re just not my favorite parts of the loaf.

Anyway, I just thought I’d throw that out there to see if there were any fellow bread eaters like me.

A moment in time…

 

Valentine’s Day has never really been a big deal to me, and as far as I know ‘S’ doesn’t really care either.  I would much rather have a special dinner or flowers bought on just a random day throughout the year than to have them on just one special day.  However, even though I’ve said this for years, ‘S’ has always been the good husband and sent flowers or other special items, such as both flowers & a giant teddy bear that I still have, to my work.  And to be honest, I’ve always been secretly pleased.  This year of course though — there were no flowers.

He did however come over and help me pay bills as I have been woefully bad about paperwork for several weeks now.  Perhaps that’s better than flowers right now as I felt much less stressed once we had everything taken care of.  Regardless though, tonight I find myself thinking about what we once had….and what has now been lost.

I’ve realized over the past few days that I had taken for granted my happieness — and that’s saying something for those of you who know my life’s story. I think most people have at least one person that they know they can turn to at a moment’s notice, and ask for just about anything and it would be given with few or no questions asked.  They know this because that person has always come through.  ‘S’ was my one and only safety net, but he chose to walk away, and I have been left feeling bereft.

Have you ever wanted to go back to a moment in your life?  A time in which you realize that it was your happest moments?  It could be fleeting moments or a longer period — but you know without a moment’s hesitation that was it.  That’s how I feel about the past 7 years.  It was the most secure & chariest that I have ever felt in my life and the longest period I have ever had any type of stability.  Now just like any marriage or relationship, we had ebbs and flows, and things were not always rosy.  But during that time, I never once doubted that I was loved.  I’m just sorry that ‘S’ felt like he lost himself during that same time.

I remember reading this awhile ago and actually wrote it down because it said exactly how I felt about my relationship then.  And while my marriage lies in ashes at this time, don’t feel pity for me.  For I still feel blessed, because for a moment — at least a moment — I got to know what all encompassing love is.  So as you lay down with your love tonight, I hope you too realize the blessing that lies beside you, and I wish you and yours a very happy Valentine’s Day.

 

To My Dear and Loving Husband

If ever two were one, then surely we.

If ever man were loved by wife, the thee;

If ever wife was happy in a man,

Compare with me, ye woman, if you can.

I prize thy love more than whole mines of gold,

Or all the riches that the East doth hold.

My love is such that rivers can not quench,

Nor aught but love from thee, give recompense

Thy love is such I can no way repay.

Then while we live, in love let’s so preserver

That when we live no more, we may live ever

 

— Anne Bradstreet

Forever Stamps

This is your public service announcement for the day.  
The US Post office announced today that on May 11th they will be increasing the cost of First Class stamps to .44 cents, up 2 cents from the current .42 cents.  The post office estimates this will cost the average family about $3 more per year.  So now would be the time to go out and buy some Forever Stamps.  For those who don’t know what they are, they are stamps that hold their value at whatever the First Class postage rates is regardless of what increases may have taken place since you originally purchased them.  For example, if you buy them today at $.42 per stamp then when the increase in May takes place you won’t have to be searching frantically for (2) 1 cent stamps, 5 min before the postman arrives.  Just slap one of those babies on there and you’re good to go.  You are protected from having to pay the additional 2 cents and dealing with the hassle of 1 cent stamps.

At a lot of post offices they don’t sell Forever Stamps in the automated machines, this is the case at the post offices near my home.  All you have to do is go to the counter and ask the person behind it for a booklet of Forever Stamps.

Some of the other changes taking effect May 11:

~ The postcard stamp increases 1-cent to 28 cents.

~ The first ounce of a large envelope increases 5 cents to 88 cents. The first ounce of a parcel increases 5 cents to $1.22.

~ New international postcard and letter prices are, for one ounce, 75 cents to Canada; 79 cents to Mexico; and 98 cents elsewhere.

Lessons

Have you ever thought you learned a lesson in something and then come to find out you apparently didn’t learn it well enough cause you in the same damn situation again.  I’m having such a déjà vu moment now.  When I first left home a few months shy of 17, I lived with a guy, <shudders> named Michael.  Now I had a very modest savings then and even though I had rent to pay I still worked 40 hours a week AND went to school.  That lasted about 6 months before I gave up on school so I could work even more hours cause there was just never enough money and my savings was dwindling.  These were the days of the budding meat sandwiches if you’ve read that post before.

Well Michael was a very materialistic guy and while I am not, I let him talk me into buying all sorts of stuff.  When I finally dumped his ass, I SWORE that I would never find myself being that poor again and that I would ALWAYS make sure that I had a very comfortable safety net of money.  Anyone who has lived under the constant pressure and stress of just getting by for longer than a couple of weeks can relate to how horrible that feeling of desperation is.

Yet here I find myself again.  While I am not yet at the level of desperation that I’ve resorted to budding meat, and I can pay my mortgage.  I find myself without a very large safety net of money.  Now I am not laying blame at ‘S’ door for this, cause while we do have nice things between the two of us, and we did save, we just never saved enough for me to be on my own with the same level of bills for 2, at the same time that I lost 40% of my pay.

I want you to think about that now.  If you suddenly lost 40% of your salary tomorrow, could you pay your bills, groceries, gas, mortgage or rent and whatever extras you might need?  That’s the stress I’m under right now.  Now I can in theory make up that 40% and then some in commission.  However for me to make large commissions, people need to be buying.  And with the economy in it’s current state, not a whole lot of people are buying from the companies that I work with, so in turn they are not buying from me.  This is a serious problem.

So while it irritates me that I have to rely on ‘S’ for extra money to help pay the bills, even though we are separated and suppose to be responsible for ourselves, beggars can’t be choosers.  Maybe when the economy picks up, things will be better and I can start making some decent sales.  And THIS time I PROMISE I’ve learned my lesson.

Housing Market

I went down and snapped this photo at the entrance to my condo complex this morning.  I’m thinking now would probably be a bad time for me to try to sell.  And then you run across scary stories like this on CNN and you wonder if you’ll even be able to sell anytime in the near future.  BTW — Most of the homes that are being advertisied in this picture have been on the market for 3-8 months.  I have yet to see any sell.

Moving Out

I’ve been meaning to write this post now for a few days but I always seem to be on the move right now so it’s been hard to find the time.

‘S’ officially moved out this weekend.  For some reason I think part of me didn’t actually believe it was going to happen.  I know some of you would not understand how I can still want to be with him considering all that has happened, and even I’m surprised in some ways.  However, I went out with some friends last night and one of the girls had a very good point.  When you have known someone as long as ‘S’ and I have (half my life) regardless of the hurt, anger, and embarrassment they may have caused you, they are for better or worse, a part of who you are.  When you bond your life with another person at a younger age, they help shape you into the person that you are today, and to deny them is in a way to deny a part of yourself.  Regardless of this though, I do think that whatever the future holds, this separation could be good for us.  It will give us the time to decide if we even want to be together anymore, and if so what needs to change.  If we simply can’t find common ground than perhaps ‘S’ and I will be one of those anomalies in life….ex’s who are friends.

However, as I sat in the remnants of what was his computer and music room and I listened to the door close downstairs, I found no comfort in the future.   I tried to find the motivation to pick up the few items that were left and finish cleaning the room so that my desk from downstairs could be moved upstairs tomorrow, but I could do nothing but sit there.  And then I had the misfortune of looking up just as the tail lights of his u-haul drove down the street out of sight, and I suddenly felt a sense of abandonment and sadness so deep that I could not even find comfort in tears.  I sat there for another 10 min. in the deafening silence, before I slowly got up and turned out the lights in the room.  For that night at least, it was still his room, and I could not face staying in there and cleaning up what was metaphorically the tattered remains of our marriage.

I went downstairs to turn out all of the lights and then came back upstairs, got ready for bed, and crawled under the covers at 6:30pm.  On that night, I wished to find the comfort and oblivion that one finds in sleep….everything else could wait.

“Courage does not always roar.  Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow”.

— Maryanne Radanbacher